Sunday, December 20, 2009

Annual Christmas Letter Returns

Hello again everyone. It is that time of year again. That’s right. College Bowl season. Go Badgers!!!! It is also time once again to update all you all on the events of the past year. Earlier this year, our family got a new addition. No, we didn’t catch a Chinese baby shot from a tee shirt gun at a sporting event.. We got a dog. Shiloh, the Golden Destroyer. How did that happen you might ask? Well, I tell you. I was tricked!!!!! I remember it quite well. (Hand to chin. Do do do… do do.) It was a blustery winter day. Early February. Super Bowl Sunday to be exact and some team I don’t care about was playing not the Bears. It was around the 6th hour of the pre game extravaganza. I was deep in a chili cheese dip coma and I hear a faint, cherub voice coming from behind me. “Honey, Sweetie, I’m taking Jake up to Hamilton and getting a dog. I’ll be back in a little bit.” “Yea, yea, sounds good.” I reply, as some commentator is saying something about 3rd down red zone efficiency. When I awoke from my coma, I find a dog licking my face. Then back to licking its……well, you know. Then back to my face. Oh man. If he wasn’t so darn cute, I would have punted him half way down the street. So over the course of a few months and plenty of accidents and mishaps and what not, he fit right in. On the plus side, I do know how to walk on water. Or, at least, urine soaked carpet. Same thing really. Later in the year I got some troubling doctor type news. I’ve been feeling off for a couple of months and couldn’t quite figure out what it was. So, as any good American still lucky enough to have health insurance, I went to the doctor. After a little too thorough examination, he came to the conclusion that I was suffering from Coulrophobia. It is no big deal really. I just have to stay away from circussess’s, certain fast food establishments, In Living Colour reruns, Kristel’s big red shoes, and that one guy at the downtown Greyhound bus station. Speaking of Kristel, she is well on her way at becoming an English Major in the Literary Army. I’ll have to salute her more’er. She just needs one more Spanish class and she’ll be done. Wait a second, one more SPANISH class? That sounds a lil’ funny. Spanish for an English Major? Strange. I’m just glad she passed her Basket Weaving class. (Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas?). Jacob……Ah, Jacob. That little weasel. He has been a huge pain in the…..We interrupt this boring Christmas newsletter for the premiere episode of……Phil Cooks up some Low/No Salt Dishes!!!! Now we join the program already in progress…. “So I says, is that your dog or did someone step on a shoe. Ha, ha, thank you. I know, I know. Now back to the recipe. So you’ve taken the ground beef, deer, whatever out of the freezer. Next, call your wife and ask her how to defrost it. If you don’t have a wife, I’ll go ahead and tell ya what she says. Apparently there is a button on the microwave that says “Defrost”. Do that. Good. Next, y’all take a bucket of unsalted butter and grease a skillet pan good. Now, make sure you turn the exhaust fan on, cause it is goin’ get a lil’ smoky. Then form the clump of beef, deer, whatever into something resembling a hamburger pattie or two. Plop them into a preheated skillet. Let’em cook a bit then flip them over. After they fall apart, just break dem up into bits and pieces. Cook’em good until some of the small pieces turn black. That is how you know they are done. Dish it up on a plate. Squeeze the special “low salt” ketchup and honey mustard on top. Don’t be bashful now. There… now garnish with the B&G unsalted bread and butter chips (now no longer available, humph). Mmmm, mmmm, now that is lookin’ good. Season it up good now. You don’t want to taste the beef, deer, whatever. There…..all done. You’ve just made yourself a Phil’s Hamburger Scramble. Enjoy. Oh, y’all should wait a couple of hours before goin’ anywhere after enjoyin’ your Phil’s Hamburger Scramble. Just in case y’all need that “home field” advantage. You know what I mean.”.…..Back to the Christmas letter…….So as you can see, we’ve had one busy year. I know, I know, should have wrote more on the rehab thing, but we are out of time….Merry Christmas y’all and to y’all a good night.

Philip, Kristel, Jacob, and Shiloh

Kristel’s Note: This year the paragraph was invented, but Phil, in his usual fashion, chose to ignore this development. Also, Jacob started his own publishing house. He is on track to be the McDonald’s of literature: “Billions and Billions written….and strewn about the house.